What.It's.Done.For.Me

Don't you hate the feeling you get when you think you've let an entire group of people down? Even if it's not a big deal or you're told that it's fine and no one will think less of you, you still feel horrible and feel like you're a let down. God, it's so obnoxious.

I was going to talk about what I've gotten out of creative writing. I was going to say how it has changed me for the worse. I was going to say that ever since I was told that I have no self-confidence, I haven't been able to find the confidence that I had before. I said less in class. I didn't bother typing anything that had to do with our daily discussions. But this is really what I have gotten out of creative writing:

I have found that yeah, my self-confidence meter is almost at zero, but that's me. No matter what people say, I'll always be Maddy. Okay, I lied. My self-confidence meter is not at zero. When I'm out with my friends, I'm not timid or afraid to speak my opinion. I do degrade myself time and time again, but it helps me realize that I'm normal. Everyone does it! Oh jeez, I'm following a trend. What a let down! (I hope you realize that statement is definately sarcastic). I'm not saying that people who are timid and shy don't have any self-confidence. Not trying to say that at all.

Then I thought, what if I'm faking the comfort I have in myself? What if my wacky, crazy side is just a cover up to make people think that I just, don't care what people think of me and that I have all the confidence in the world. But why would I do that? I asked a few people out of school and out of my normal "gang" what they thought about me and my self-confidence. They said I have more confidence than I allow myself to think I have.

It had finally dawned on me today.

What creative writing class has done for me.
How creative writing class has changed me.

It has made me realize my confidence is exactly whatever the hell I make it to be. I have more confidence in some things than others and I just focus on what other people see my confidence as. Whether it be in my own work, memorizing lines for a play and reciting in front of "professionals", or just walking around with a bunch of friends.

My confidence is what I make of it, not what I let others to tell me it is.

This is EXACTLY what creative writing has done for me.

(I love how music affects your writing.)

-f.A.r.I.s
C.p.S